Finding polite ways to elicit, or at least court, impolite responses is sometimes unavoidable. “Do you still love me?” and “Is that what you are going to wear?” come to mind.
But Miss Manners urges you to avoid asking questions, polite or otherwise, to which you have already guessed — but do not like — the answer.
Dear Miss Manners: A few years ago, my wife and I combined our business with that of some friends of ours. Our combined efforts have been very successful. Seeing as we are business owners, our free time is very limited. We have very few weekends off; most are spent working.
Before we combined businesses, my wife and I had a robust social life and some well-developed hobbies. We have lots of friends and used to do many things with them. It is something that we miss terribly.
Our business partners (and close friends) do not have the number of friends we do and really have no interests outside of the business. They plan recreational activities for the four of us months ahead of time, with the result that my wife and I never have the opportunity to do our own things. We are spending every single weekend with them!
They are very excited to do these activities, but my wife and I would really prefer to take these rare days off and spend them with our other friends we rarely see. Is there any possible way to express that we would like to spend time with our other friends without hurting their feelings?
When your partners announce their intention to plan something, gently tell them you are busy. Miss Manners has to believe that, as business owners, they know that people occasionally need time off. And that, as business owners, you are so used to “talking tough,” “telling it like it is,” “being straight with people” — and other timeworn, aggressive activities of the American business community — that saying, “no, thank you,” should not be too challenging.
Dear Miss Manners: My friend, a good person who is financially better off than me, constantly overtips on our lunch dates.
Maybe it’s just me being insecure, but I feel bad for tipping 22% when she is tipping almost 60%. Is it me?
As more and more parties split the bill, Miss Manners agrees we need a rule to avoid the problem you describe. The rule is this: It is impolite to inquire into another person’s tip.
Without that knowledge, you may then feel bad, or not, in private.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
©2021, by Judith Martin
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